Eleven weeks and still not a single cigarette. I feel pretty darn good about that. But this last few weeks have been the hardest, and I think it's because I know I'm supposed to be done with the nicotine lozenges in one more week, and I know I'm not ready to give them up just yet.
The other day I was at the store and in the parking lot beside my jeep was this half smoked cigarette. I looked at it for a few seconds thinking, "That looks mighty good." Then I cringed thinking, "Gah, how disgusting is that? Drooling over someone elses old nasty half smoked cigarette?"
That night I had a dream that I did smoke that cigarette. Of course it wasn't that same one, but it was a half smoked one and I was at home, but I dreamed I smoked. I can't say that in the eleven previous weeks I've dreamed about it. I think now that I'm getting close the the finish line of truly being smoke and nicotine free, my brain is playing tricks. The little bastard!
Small things have turned into HUGE things, all in the name of Nicotine and the lack of it. I'm at the minimum time for how many lozenges to suck daily (3-4) and I'm supposed to cut back to zilch in one more week. And it scares the piss out of me that I won't be able to do it. It seems this week I have wanted to smoke more than ever. I don't know, but I feel like I've lost a friend or something. I miss stepping outside and puffing that tobacco stick. I miss when I get upset, mad or sad, and lighting up, that feeling it gives you as the nicotine works it's way through the body, easing and well...comforting. It sounds crazy, but it seems to take forever to get a grip when my emotions get riled.
Yesterday, my husband was out in the garage (where we smoke in the winter) and my first thought was to accuse him of smoking! I felt horrible that I would think he was sneaking one without me. I even did this secret sniff to see if I could catch a whiff. I got nothin. Needless to say, I was relieved. But felt guilty for being suspicious.
I've managed this long, I can manage a little longer. One day at a time.